Do you like my poem?

The sunny sites of spring appearing, Daffodils opening, pansies smiling. Then suddenly sun turns to rain in my brain, the pain is insane, the river slowly shrivels up into mud, then the sudden down pour of my lonely heart turns to a flood! and covers my long lost luv!

Do you like my poem?
Obviously a first draft.....good ideas, but needs tweaking.
Reply:Tiz your poem, take all comments onboard, as long as they constructive, but make sure the poem stays yours. Do not make alterations unless you see them as improvements.

There are people who like to criticise other people's work, but are unable to produce a poem of their own. Report It
Reply:Well done writing a poem and presenting it for a bit of constructive crit.

Some nice images at the start with the sun and daffodils. The idea of smiling pansies makes me think your poem is intended for children rather than adults.

The contrasting image in the last lines with the shrivelling river is vivid and I think it's very effective although you might want to check "down pour" which, if you want it to allude to heavy rain should be simply one word.



Similarly, the rhymes "rain", "brain" "pain", "insane" make me wonder if you're trying to grab the attention of usually unlikely readers of poetry. You know the kind of readers I mean - who think poems need rhymes? These readers could be younger readers like teenagers or possibly you are directing this poem to someone in particular who you already know isn't a poetry fan and you could possibly persuade otherwise with catchy rhymes.



Overall, this poem has potential but as I'm sure you know yourself, you could hone it to perfect your imagery and decide on a rhyme scheme even a different layout.



Good job all the same. Keep at it!
Reply:It's very good. Sounds like a lost love!!!

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